You’ve come to the mountains for adventure, to explore the wilderness, and, with any luck, spot some wildlife. Bears, wolves, elk, bison, linx… you never know what you’ll run into on those mountain trails. Once back in town in search of rehydration, you’ll likely hit one of the Bow Valley’s many fine watering holes. Take along this handy field guide to identify some of the wildlife behind the bar….
THE CLIMBER (Dirtbaggus Bunniculus)
The Climber is easy to spot - she’s the one with the heavily-calloused fingertips who’s strong enough to pop the cap off your beer bottle with her pinkie and crush empty cans with one hand without breaking a sweat. The male of the species sports a tight man-bun and both males and females are lean, wiry, and a lot stronger than they first appear. They’ll be wearing Arcteryx pants with keys affixed to their belts with sturdy, rated carabiners. For fun, ask a Climber to get a bottle or glass from the top self. They’ll shock you with their ability to balance on one toe and reach impossibly high places while maintaining a slow, steady breathing rate. The scientific reason for this is the best of the species has a high Ape Index. Don’t know what that is? You’re obviously not a climber.
THE POWDER FREAK (Australus Powderfilius)
Don’t say we didn’t warn you. The Powder Freak can be a little wild. Ok. A lot wild. Members of the Australian sub-species most common behind Banff bars are the life of the party and never say no to pulling out the karaoke machine. They are the shots experts, always happy to share their tequila expertise right after they’ve welcomed you with a hearty ‘D’Day!’. Their eclectic Spotify playlists are likely to include underground electronic music from Sydney right alongside alt folk faves also popular with surfers. Powder Freaks are always smiling despite their wrists often being snugly wrapped in tensor bandages, the result of unfortunate snowboarding falls. Thick socks, unruly hair, and thighs of steel are other clues you’ve found a Powder Freak. Seek one out if you are a craft brewery fanatic. Beer and powder go together like… pale and ale.
THE MIXOLOGIST (Prohibitionae Purist)
The most misunderstood of the species, the Mixologist endures a level of quiet persecution from other breeds of bartenders, due mostly to their snobbish fervor over the correct use of orange as a garnish and exacerbated by the sudden proliferation of Aviation and Negroni orders in sports bars. Despite this, Mixologist numbers have grown, as has their popularity. You can easily identify this intriguing creature by her ability to blind taste test and correctly identify a truckload of tequila brands, her aversion to olives in martinis, and her ability to rattle off the history, ingredients and methodology behind almost any pre-prohibition era cocktail. If you’re lucky, she’ll serve you the cocktail she’s been working on perfecting. If you’re very lucky, she’ll serve you the cocktail you ordered.
THE OLDTIMER (Kidsthesedaysus)
This elusive breed of bartender often spent their formative years as a trail guide until horseback riding was no longer possible due to bad hips. Despite coming in from the barn to find work behind the bar, the crusty, bowlegged Oldtimer does not adapt or evolve. At. All. This fascinating rarity is identifiable by his outspoken affection for old-timey country music, the ever-present cowboy hat atop his balding head, and his firm aversion to seared tuna (not a real burger, man). The Oldtimer harkens back to an era when smoking indoors was in, draft beer came in Molson or Budweiser stubbies and Trans Ams were still bitchin’. That being said, there isn’t a better person to find behind the bar when you’ve got the blues; his heart is as warm as the pints of Canadian he’s slinging.
THE BABE (Ohmygodius Sohot)
Arguably the superior breed of bartender, the Babe commands the attention of even the largest of parties. Phenomenal at all aspects the job, these perfect specimens rock the customer service, product knowledge and co-worker interaction like no one. But what truly set Babes apart from other breeds are their looks. The Babe is a babe – evident in the gaggle of admirers who frequent his bar regardless of what’s on tap. They might be notorious flirts but Babes are rarely single and herein lies their power – self-respect and an unusually stable relationship, typically with a Babe from another establishment. Yes, it hurts… but that’s what the booze is for.
THE NEWB (Newbious Dayshiftus)
The juvenile of the species has not yet found their niche. They often look too young to be employed, much less in a drinking establishment. You’ll often find them manning the daytime bar, hand shaking nervously at the beer taps, glancing furtively over their shoulder at the Boston Bar Manual, desperately hoping no one orders a cocktail. Later in the season, they’ll morph into one breed or another but for now, they’re babies, so be kind. You’re tipping tomorrow’s Climber-Powder-Freak-Mixologist-Oldtimer-Babe.
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